this is not my beautiful house

It's All Happening!

2007-06-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

I'm playing hookie from work today. I'm not sick or anything, this is just the first day in a long time that I've been in a good mood. I just can't justify wasting it on work.

We finally got news on Friday that we'll be able to move back home at the end of July. And my husband gets to take his job with him. I am so damn excited I can barely think straight. It looks like all the hard work of the last few years is finally paying off. Not only do we get to take San Francisco money back to Missouri, enough money that I can finally stay home and focus on all the things I've wanted to do forever, but he gets to work from home. On Pacific time even. As of July 28th, there will be no more early morning commutes, wading through the homeless people and tourists, no more dealing with the passive-aggressive psycho MUNI drivers, there will just no more of anything that makes living in this city an absolute hell.

This couldn't come at a better time. This last month has been the worst month I've had in years as far as my mood goes. I hate being in limbo. I've been unable to start any projects and my house is a wreck. I just can't get motivated when I can only see a few weeks in front of me.

Since the husband has absolutely zero vacation time left to use for the move, we'll have to leave most everything here in storage, then have it shipped when we find a house. We fly out on the 28th of July, set up his temporary office at my Mom's on the 29th, and he's back to work on the 30th. He has some pretty big projects due at the end of August, so that leaves me to find a house and a car.

In other news, I started Weight Watchers about 2 months ago, and today I hit my first 20 lb. goal! I know that 20 lbs. sounds like a lot, but on my Amazonian body it's really not much. I can gain and lose 20 lbs. and not really see a difference. It's not even a whole dress-size for me. But it's something. By the end of July I should be hitting my 10% body weight goal. Which puts me on track to hit my overall goal by the end of the year. I'm being realistic with this and trying to keep my loss at a steady 2 lbs. a week. Plus I'm training myself for a complete change in my eating habits. Growing up I never learned what healthy portions were and was allowed to eat whatever I wanted. When I hit my 20's and all that bad eating began to catch up with me, I found myself binging and starving (not purging) to maintain. My body, being so much smarter than me, began holding onto any weight I gained for dear life because I was obviously too stupid to be trusted. As of 2 months ago, I was the heaviest I've ever been in my life and not happy at all in my body. One day I just woke up and realized it was time.

Today, I am just going to savour being happy. We have a crazy couple of months ahead of us.

Another Year...

2007-05-12T22:05:00.000-07:00

In celebration of having made it in SF a full year on our own and my husband's birthday, we finally bought an Xbox 360 and four new games. With all the new tech and awesome games we just brought home, my husband is playing "Frogger".

That's right, "Frogger".

Immune to the Hard Sell

2007-05-06T09:04:00.000-07:00

In anticipation of our move I requested quotes from several moving companies. I specifically told each and every one of them that I did not want phone calls, that we did not have a firm date and that the amount of stuff we move will be based on the cost to move it. I asked for basic quotes per sq. ft., lb., pod, or whatever their base measurement is. Out of a dozen or so companies I have received just one actual quote that I can work with. The rest completely ignored the specifics of my request and have instead sent a barrage of emails with requests to fill out a packing list. Even worse, on a daily basis (including the weekends), I receive upwards of five phone calls from these companies. It's going on 6 weeks and they still call. Because I firmly believe that in this day and age that I should not have to speak to anyone that I don't want to, what with technology and all, and seeing as how my initial request was by email, I have emailed these companies again and requested that the phone calls stop. I have further reiterated my original request with the condition that if they cannot send me, by email, a simple quote, I will not be doing business with them.

I do not respond well to someone who is trying to hard sell me anything. I am a car dealer's worst nightmare. I am the person who walks on the lot, points out the car that I want, how much I want to pay, and I tell them to make it happen, or I walk. I like to make it perfectly clear that they are doing me no favors by selling me anything. I'm not rude about it, I just don't want anyone's time to be wasted. And the hard sell is always designed to take advantage of you in some way.

There are a few of these moving companies that I have read great reviews about, but because of their inability to fulfill a simple request without annoying the hell out of me, I just can't give them my business.

The company that we'll go with based on their ability to handle a simple request, alone is Door to Door. We're also contemplating renting a truck and just driving. We'll see as it gets closer.

It's Official

2007-04-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

We're moving back to KC in late July / early August. Yes, I know. It's going to be 800 million degrees and humid as hell, but that's the way it goes.

A culmination of events led to this decision. My grandmothers are not doing so well. Their health is declining and they are both a broken hip or a stroke away from total dependence on someone else for their care. As it is, my maternal grandmother is forgetting to take her medicine and we're afraid one day soon, she'll forget to turn the stove off or fall down the basement stairs. The other grandmother is doing much better, but she has no family left in KC, and I can't stand the thought that she will spend the last years of her life alone. I promised myself, after having worked in nursing homes, that they would not die outside of their own homes in a strange place, having their every movement dictated by strangers. And I know from firsthand experience that there is no such thing as a good nursing home.

We've struck a deal with my mother that benefits everyone; she will move in with her mother so that someone is always there, and we will move into her house and take over her mortgage payments, which will allow her to save money for her own retirement. It will give us a place to live, and I will help with my grandmother's care during the day when my mom is at work.

This is what we've always known would happen. And the time is apparently now.

We're unsure as to whether J will be able to take his job with him and work from home. That would be a big financial bonus as we'd be taking SF money back to KC. If not, he'll just have to take the cut. Either way, we'll be fine.

Besides, if we have children I want them to be close their extended family. And J's grandparents aren't getting any younger, either.

So, we begin the process of planning and packing, once again. This is going to be my last move for a long time. I hope.

Sunday Stumbles

2007-04-22T16:41:00.000-07:00

- Dear Cell Phone User, The world is a noisy place. You aren't helping things.

- If a girl’s sensual in small things then she’s sensual in all things. Waiter Rant talks about chocolate covered moneymakers.

- Cupcakes. There really is nothing more to say.

Pee on a Stick

2007-04-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

Instant message conversations with my ClearBlue Easy Fertility Monitor is the funniest thing I've read in weeks.

I know exactly how she feels. You spend $200 on a device that only seems to mock you at every turn.

Is it a baby, yet?

2007-04-21T23:42:00.000-07:00

I hate the days between ovulation and the beginning of a new cycle. I want to go to sleep until the earliest day I can pregnancy test. I want to have sex without wondering whether something we've done has upset the "natural balance" of my ladybusiness.

I just want to be pregnant.

The hardest thing is when the ovulation window is gone for the month and you know it'll be a whole month until you have another chance. A month can be a very long time.

Feh.

How is it that most of my girlfriends when I was a teenager got knocked up at the drop of a hat? Oh yeah, they were 16 and having sex like mad bunnies.

13 days to go...

Food, Food, Foodie, Food, Food

2007-04-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting for social networking sites to become more specialized. And I'm happy to find that friendsEAT.com is right up my alley. It's is still in beta, but it looks to have a very promising future. I've only spent a few minutes on the site but I am very impressed.

Some of the features offered:

* Critique restaurants you've been to.
* Post a blog about your going out experiences.
* Setup events for your friends to meet up.
* Chat in the forum to give your "two cents".
* Look at menu items for take out and take in restaurants.

I suppose I ought to sign up, now.

So Tired and Sluggish

2007-04-18T20:00:00.000-07:00

I think there's something going around at the job. Either that, or I'm leveling off on the prenatal vitamins. I really feel like I could sleep for days.

"Everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."

2007-04-12T10:14:00.000-07:00

Kurt Vonnegut died last night.

I Eat Food!

2007-04-11T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've been really enjoying the daily emails from Hungry Girl. I usually hate daily emails from any commercial website, but these are actually useful. Today I got a recipe for low fat nacho cheese. Yum! I love the reviews on the website, too. She reviews all the new "diet" foods on the market so I don't take my chances. She also has some really good recipes for healthier versions of stuff, like brownies and chicken fingers. I've tried them both, and they are awesome.

I've also been spending a lot of time on the Calorie King website using the food database (mostly to look up fast food).

When I lived in DC, I used to frequent a little place called Teaism in Dupont Circle. They had the best chai and ginger scones. I was so excited to see a recipe for them, that I've been making them at least once a week for the last month. They do sell the mix, but it never did justice to the ones made from scratch. They are so good warm with some orange marmalade and butter.

How to Get Knocked Up 101

2007-04-05T15:55:00.000-07:00

This is the best advice I've received so far:

"Go to a bar...(have your husband be there) act coy, get drunk and pick him up...
Take him out to the car and have unprotected sex, go home and don't call him."

My Aunt's Come to Visit

2007-04-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

Since the theme of my life happens to be fertility and all things related, I've been thinking a lot about what we're told as young girls about our bodies and menstrual cycles. What I'm finding is that even though I had a very liberal and open mother, I was given the bare minimum of information. Looking back, the most important thing I gleaned from what was taught to me was that period equals not pregnant.

In fact, thinking back, I was never told about my period before mine started. Mine came at a very early age. I was 9 years old and in the shower at my Grandparents when the cramps and bleeding started. I looked down and saw the blood and, terrified, ran screaming out of the bathroom with a towel thrown around me. I thought I was dying. I was in shock and frightened. I remember standing there like a drowned rat, crying. Instead of calmly explaining what was happening to me, my Grandmother grabbed my arm and whisked me away, out of the sight of my Grandfather. I was shushed and told very little, other than this was "normal" and that I was acting like a "big baby". The implications were clear; I had subjected my Grandfather to shame and embarrassment, what was happeing to me was "dirty" and not for the eyes of men. I was given a box of "sanitary napkins" and a belt, no doubt stashed away by my Grandmother after her last period sometime in the early 70s. This was 1981. When I went home to my Mother's house, I was so ashamed that I couldn't tell her. I didn't even know what to call it, anyway, or how to broach the subject.

I hid my period from her for 4 years. If she ever caught on, I never knew. It was just simply never talked about. Not until it was the "right" time.

While cruising Beliefnet today, I came across this gem of a question:

How might it have been different for you if, on your first menstrual day, your mother had given you a bouquet of flowers and taken you to lunch, and then the two of you had gone to meet your father at the jeweler, where your ears were pierced, and your father bought you your first pair of earrings, and then you went with a few of your friends and your mother's friends to get your first lip coloring; and then you went, for the very first time, to the Women's lodge, to learn the wisdom of women? How might you be different?
-Judith Duerk, Circle of Stones

I think that what a young girl is told about her period, how her body works, determines the value she places on her body and sexuality. I believe that at the very least, I would have had the tools and knowledge to potentially make my teenage and young adult years a much better time than I had.

It's a provocative question. The deeper I get into trying to conceive, the more I learn what I don't know about how women's bodies work. I'm learning that there are so many variables. There so many things that I'm now learning at 35, that I wish they would have told me.

A New Angle on an Old Habit

2007-04-05T09:58:00.000-07:00

For some inexplicable reason about a year ago, after having kept a blog since 2000, I just stopped. I didn't have the urge or the desire to. I let my domain expire, let all the posts go, and didn't look back. I can't explain the reasons why, as I'm not even sure I know, myself. But one day last week, out of the blue, I got the urge to keep a blog. I tried a few of the new blog services and ended up right back here, using blogger (which is what I used for my first and longest running blog).

Once, I was completely immersed in the blogosphere and my whole online world was blog, blog, blog. Any maybe that was the problem. I got caught up and overwhelmed, and finally, just burned out. I think that being removed has allowed me to remember why I initially felt compelled to chronicle my life in this way. I think I'm ready to approach this from a new angle.

My angle.

From the inside out.